2007-10-07
oh, why do I even do this?
The past two days have been hell -- I have been taking a horrible walk down memory lane, and have put myself in a state of utter longing. I miss Ray. This usually comes about when a. i'm feeling lonely, b. there has been no physical contact of any kind in a long time, and c. when i listen to the Cure and think about how we met, our first date, etc. Everyone is tired of hearing me talk about it, so now I just talk to myself about it. the whole situation just devolves with every passing year.
my boyfriend and I are basically roommates. we've had good sex once since he moved in last december. almost a damn year. and yet we are attached and he sees nothing wrong with this, and it breaks my heart just with the thought of leaving him. but really, how long can this last?
On Thursday night, I was about to call Ray, but decided that it was not a good thing, and called Paul instead. Kind of like an A.A. sponsor, but then again, instead of tough love, Paul just gives me a chance to talk as much as I want about Ray, which is really more what I need than calling him. The day after I met Ray, I called Paul and told him that I had found the man I would marry, and ever since then, Paul has maintained that it really will happen, so he doesn't mind listening to my ceaseless chatter.
So what if it is just lonliness and physical cravings and my iPod full of Cure songs? My friend Jonathan insists that everyone has a person they were in love with, and that we hang onto the pleasant memories of that person to get us through the hard times. But honestly, I think that this is making my hard times even more difficult.
vade--mecum at 12:01 a.m.